The Bitter Ex-Assistant Who Resents You

I started out at my shiny clean office job as an assistant. I have lots of thoughts on being an assistant. None of them are nice. Almost all of them are going to be in a different blog post. I will tell you that I am no longer an assistant, and not because my bosses recognized the pearl that I am and elevated me to a more appropriate station. I am now merely a Bitter Ex-Assistant Who Resents You. Or probably would if you worked in her office and had “Vice President” on your business card. But I digress. Today, I will not tell you all about my current job, but only a small portion of it. About forty square feet of it, actually. Because that's about how big our office kitchen is.

I am that necessary person in my office who is both lacking in any special skill particular to my industry and capable of adult-level life skills. I am the woman who answers the phone, cleans the kitchen, orders the coffee, stocks the snacks, and rolls her eyes at all the VP's who are either too important or too incompetent to wipe up their own bagel crumbs. In short, The Bitter Ex-Assistant Who Resents You. There’s probably one in your office.

When I was a kid, my mom hated it when I left my dishes in the sink. When I say hated, I mean loathed. A cereal bowl left in the sink after breakfast instantly stoked an ire that struck fear into the hearts of me and the home-schooled teenagers three houses down. It was that scary. And what killed me, what I really didn't understand, was that Mom's cereal bowl could sit in the sink all it wanted. No big deal. It's Mom's cereal bowl, so it's okay.

I get it now. When it's your cereal bowl, it doesn't matter if you wash it now or later, because you clean up after yourself either way. But when it's anyone else's bowl, Mom is the one who cleans it. Not the jackhole VP who left it there. Oh, whoops. I'm not talking about my mother getting angry about my cereal bowl anymore. We're talking about me getting angry at my coworkers for leaving their coffee cups in the sink. Because my job has turned me into MY MOTHER.

That's right. I've even started saying things like, "Do I have to do everything for you?" and "use your brain," and "google is a tool that is available to everyone. It’s all nice and democratic that way. So if you don’t like the snacks that the Bitter Ex-Assistant Who Resents You has purchased through Costco business delivery, google the nearest Ralph’s and go buy your own bananas. No really, they let people who aren’t Bitter Ex-Assistants Who Resent You into every Ralph’s location. And the club card? It’s optional. That’s right. They’ll even accept your company card, which the Bitter Ex-Assistant Who Resents You is not important enough to have, even though she’s expected to do the shopping. Lucky you. No really, the Bitter Ex-Assistant Who Resents You assures you, even a complete FUCKING IDIOT can do his own damn grocery shopping.” Okay, I lied. My mom never said anything like that.

Understand that The Bitter Ex-Assistant Who Resents You is probably a creative person forced into a job that offers nary an ounce of creative opportunities. If you give this woman free reign over the kitchen, expect unusual ice trays and artistic napkin holders. Handle it. And look up your own directions to the post office.
That is all the wisdom this Bitter Ex-Assistant has to impart for now. But stay tuned. There’s plenty more where that came from.